Agathos Ministries

A powerful use of Courting is establishing a precedent of Communication.  There are several aspects of this, many of which are reflected in this list.  You can probably think of more.

1. You discover each of your willingness to communicate.

Every relationship is going to run into problems, which means every relationship with need to develop solutions to those problems.  To do that as partners, you must communicate.  But if someone is not willing to do so, then that sabotages the partnership.  Problems end up left to one person to fix alone or that partner simply has to accept that there will never be a solution if it requires change on the part of the unwilling partner.  This is a critical thing to know before marriage.  Will the person communicate, or do they wait for an explosion?

2. You discover each of your abilities to communicate.

This is different.  Some people are willing to discuss things, but they lack the skill to effectively share.  This is a skill you want to develop and see developed before you get married.  Some people are willing to be “in the discussion” but they do not convey their thoughts, opinions, principles or philosophy in a way that others can understand.  Imagine being a child and your opinion never mattered, that basically your father told you that if he wanted your opinion, he’d give it to you, so you never learned to form or communicate… and now you have a partner that wants to discuss issues and come up with a joint solution.  It’s a skill!  And it’s an important skill to know that both you and your partner have before you get too far into a relationship.

3. You discover one another’s willingness to tackle hard questions.

This is huge.  Some people are more than happy to talk so long as you don’t get anywhere near anything hard, anything painful, anything sensitive, or anything they simply don’t feel like talking about.  Life will bring up hard questions from time to time, and if someone will not deal with them in Courting, then that’s a warning to both sides.  If you’re the one that doesn’t like to deal with hard questions, take a look and see if you have any difficult issues in your life you’ve avoided addressing.  If it’s your partner, just be aware that a marriage will have hard questions that come up, and if your partner doesn’t want to deal with them, that’s leaves problems that won’t ever be solved.

4. You discover one another’s willingness to have things written down.

Another huge one.  Some people are willing to have discussions so long as there is no record of what was discussed.  In the worst cases, they want to retain the right to claim that what they wish happened is what “really” happened, no matter how you “fantasize” it went.  If things are written down, then they have a very limited amount of time to make clarifications before they’ve ratified what was written down as what was said.

One man is so bad at this that he will not have a conversation if it’s recorded.  When his partner started journaling discussions immediately after, he demanded of her “What do you do?  Just make all that stuff up?”  He wanted the right to say whatever he wanted to say to get his way, then later claim whatever he wanted to claim about what was discussed, what was said, and what was agreed to.  When there was some record of it, he could not do that, so he hated it!  If that’s you, you need to consider why you don’t want things written down, a common justification is that it won’t be written down right – in which case, YOU write it down!

If it’s a prospective marriage partner, be aware that everything is likely to always be your fault and you are probably involved with someone who will make up reality as he or she goes along.  This means that you have no idea what others will be told, but whatever it is, it will make your partner appear saintly, and you and your friends will always be the villains in his or her stories.  You will be astonished at how many people will actually believe the stories, too.

5. You discover your mutual ability to discuss issues before they become issues.

Similar to dealing with hard issues, you find out how well you can seek out issues and pre-solve them.  It’s easy to ignore things until they come up, and then you’ll just expect it to go your way.              A key here is discussion about children.  Many things might be normal and expected right now, but what if you have children?  What religious beliefs or lack thereof will they be raised in?  If drinking is a big part of your social scene now, but will that continue?  If foul language is part of your normal vocabulary, will that continue?  None of these things are really issues until children are actually on the way, here, or even growing up, but these things are well worth considering beforehand.

6. You discover one another’s willingness to admit to things…

There are two aspects of this: 1.  Can your partner be trusted with this information?  (or will it be used as a weapon against you?)  and 2. Can you admit to unfortunate truths?

7. … and to accept things admitted to.

When your partner does admit to something, can you accept it?  Can you love despite it?  Or will it be an issue for you?  Some things are quite legitimately issues, and how will you address that issue?

Together, a sense of safety sharing and an ability to share are crucial to relationships unless secrets will be a normal part of the relationship.  Some professions mandate secrecy.  Doctors, lawyers, clergy and of course anyone who works with sensitive information will keep secrets due to confidentiality, but we’re talking about the kind of secrets in which one partner keeps a part of himself or herself secret from the other.

There is a distinction here that is important to make.  You can love someone who has some nasty things in the past, perhaps some stupid choices, some wild times, or even some criminal activity.  The question is not whether or not someone is perfect, no one is.  The question is what they learned from their experience.  Some people learn important, valuable lessons that can enhance your relationship because of the experiential wisdom they gained.  Some people do not learn anything other than they were “young and stupid” (young is mandatory, stupid is optional).  The worst look back on those days with fondness.

Imagine someone who had a nasty relationship with parents and siblings, but still thinks some of the torturous pranks he pulled were funny.  Do you want your children to absorb the idea that doing such things is fun?  Or someone who looks back on the wild days of youth as wonderful days of freedom… what might he do in the hear and now given a chance to relive some of those wild times?  The past is not the issue so much as what someone has learned from and done with that past.

8. You discover one another’s willingness to consider My Way and Your Way and craft a brand new, higher Our Way.

Very often, there is no right and wrong way, there are just different ways.  Two families of origin might have celebrated the holidays differently.  Maybe one family made Christmas Eve the big deal and opened all their presents before bedtime, and another did it all in the morning.  There is no moral imperative to mandate one over the other.  The question is simply: What will be Our Way?

9. You discover much about what is important to one another you may not have known…

You never know what will be a sticking point unless you either talk about it or it comes up.  Some things you would expect to be important even if you differ on how important.  But couples get caught by surprise sometimes, and it’s better to find out in discussion rather than because it turned into a fight.

One couple ran into a major issue: shampoo caps.  His pet peeve was someone using his shampoo and leaving the cap off.  To her, it was a stupid, little thing.  To him, if it was such a little thing, and she insisted on leaving the cap off the shampoo and letting it get turned into soapy water, she was saying that he wasn’t even worth putting the cap the shampoo when it was something important to him that was a significant matter of convenience when he was getting ready for work.  For her, it was a tiny thing to make a big issue out of, and he was acting as if a tiny cap was more important to him than she was.  Both admitted it was tiny, and both thought it was the other one being disrespectful.  The solution here is simple: his and her shampoo, and neither uses the other’s.

On the more positive, relationship elevating side of things, you can also find out things that are important to help your partner feel loved that might not ever occur to you.  For some, what seem like small gestures mean the world to them.  Some people like having their clothes ironed, and it means a lot to them to have ironed shirts or blouses in the closet.  For others, it might be a cup of coffee brought to bed while email is being checked and cleared in the morning.  Some might take special joy in a particular jam on English muffins, or a particular dessert.

By talking about a great many things, you can sometimes find interesting memories of good times that can spark deep feelings.  If you find out about those, you can use them to express your love to your partner in ways you might not otherwise think of on your own.  Very often, the things that touch our hearts the most are those special things unique to us, and such uniqueness is not easily guessed at.  But it was be revealed in good conversation.

10. … and what is not important you may have assumed was important.

The opposite happens, too.  We may assume something is important to our partner, but it isn’t.  We might have made the assumption because of our previous romantic experience, or our family or origin, or even just legitimate, statistically true stereotypes about men and women.  But that doesn’t mean it is necessarily important to this particular individual.  If something is a particular sacrifice to you, and you discover it is not actually valued by your partner, then you can stop making that sacrifice and focus your love-investment in things that are truly important to your partner.

… and more…

Filed under: Agathos Beliefs