Agathos Ministries

Many churches advocate “Separation rather than Divorce.” Agathos has a problem with this. Their idea is relatively simple: God Hates Divorce (a snippet from Malachi 2:16), so they see Separation as the Solution to serious problem.

Part of the problem stems from their idea that God only allows divorce in the case of adultery (based on Matthew 19) or abandonment by a non-believer (based on 1 Corinthians 7). A challenge they face is the rather obvious “What about abuse?” and other, lesser aspects of problems that make marriage a miserable imprisonment for the least selfish in a couple.

On the other hand, some churches take Separation much more casually. Some advocate using it as a tool to enforce personal standards. One minister says that if a husband insists on looking at pornography, the wife should walk out and not come back until he agrees to do something about the problem. Something as serious as separation, to him, is a key tool for a woman to get a man to do what she has decided he should do.

There are a lot of big problems with this.

First, there are some interpretation issues. 1 Corinthians 7 specifically talks about separation. The word commonly translated “divorce” in Malachi 2:16 is “putting away,” or “separation.” So using “separation” instead of “divorce” does not solve the problem of “obeying scripture.”

Second, there are some serious sin issues. The Bible lists a handful of fundamental duties of husbands to wives and wives to husbands. While you are separated, most of these duties b ecome impossible. Thus, in separation, one finds “sin, sin, sin, sin, and sin.”

Third, there are vow issues. There are a wide number of things we promise to do when we get married. We call them “vows” but many people have no recollection of their promises. Many churches treat the vows as though all they include is “forsaking all others” and “’til death do we part” (with their interpretation of that). In the weddings I do, there’s more than that. This means that there are more “missing the mark” happening with separation.

So even-if divorce is a sin, it’s one sin. Indefinite separation leaves a person in the marital status in which all the obligations still exist. Therefore, if you stay separated, you may avoid the “sin of divorce” by assuming guilt for sin-sin-sin-sin-sin-sin and sin – depending upon your count of obligations of husbands and wives.

AGATHOS VIEW

God’s Real Rules on Divorce and Remarriage is our full exploration of the issue. We do not spend much time in the Separation Solution in the program, though.

We believe that Separation IS a Solution for two things. 1. Pending Divorce. 2. Pending Reconciliation. But Separation is not a permanent solution – it’s a transition phase on the way to getting back together or on the way to legally recognizing that the marriage is already torn asunder.

Standard: You Separate Over What You Would Divorce Over. If you would not divorce over an issue, do not separate it. Do not even threaten the relationship over it. If you have come to the point of Separation, you can Separate and see if you can fix the problem, or you can Separate and pursue Divorce.

If you find a problem is something you will not live with and your spouse says that he or she will not change (or indicates this by his/her behavior), then the decision is already made. Divorce.

If your partner truly intends to work on the issue(s), then you can give as much time as seems reasonable under the circumstances. You may also stay separated until you see enough progress to have reason to trust it. You may not want to give any chance or any time in the case of serious abuse or such a longstanding pattern of behavior that there is no longer any reasonable way to expect real change.

Or you can Divorce (or file) and still see if you can resolve the problem. One husband would do nothing to have a relationship or save his marriage, and, finally, when the Divorce was being filed, he was ready for counseling. The Divorce moved forward while they saw the counselor together – but he did not do the assigned exercises, and after four months, she gave up. He later claimed to have done “everything” – which only cemented one of the key reasons she was divorcing him – incessant lying. Had he done the exercises and worked to develop a relationship, he would probably still be married. Earlier, she asked for next to nothing, but he refused. If you look at a list of emotional abuse, 90% of the list is how he behaved.

YOU DO YOUR PART

Another Agathos Idiosyncrasy is that we believe the marriage obligations and vows ought to be enforceable. First, we should enforce them on ourselves. The wife in question in the story above did her part – all of it – despite the recommendation of an MFT to violate Scripture and break her vows as a tool to manipulate him. Second, Communication (not Confrontation) is key. Make sure you have effectively communicated your expectations (after you make sure you are being reasonable).

We believe You Do Your Part. If you do your part, then you know when you divorce that you do so from a position of innocence. If you are breaking the vows just as much as your spouse, then=2 0you would be divorcing from a position of guilt.

A collateral benefit is that any subsequent partner will know that you can be trusted to deliver what you promise. So whether “this one” does or does not appreciate what you do is irrelevant. Someone else will appreciate it.

GOD SAYS: DIVORCE FOR CAUSE

God’s Rule is Divorce for Cause. Deuteronomy 24:1 and Ex odus 21:10-11 lay out some ground rules. Jeremiah 3:8 shows that God used His own Divorce Rule. The whole teaching (which is abbreviated) is 7 lessons, with another 7 lessons on The Deal Principle (the Agathos application of God’s rules).

A full exploration could easily be a three unit college course.

Filed under: Agathos Beliefs